Intimacy is the synergy of Body and Relationships. Closeness with someone and sharing who you truly are arise where self and other meet. The more you understand yourself, the easier it is to connect with others, and vice versa.
OVERVIEW
Intimacy arises when Body and Relationships balance. Self and other synergize through giving and receiving.
Health and connection are poles, so they're deeply related. Investment in one area takes away from the other, but if balanced, they create intimacy.
If Body and Relationships are unbalanced, you sacrifice belonging for vitality or health for connection. One pole will drag the other down, and both suffer.
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What is intimacy?
Body and Relationships are one of the four polarities of mastery on the Map of Life. They cover your physical and social life. The way you care for your own health and how you connect with others is a tough balance to master. Body and Relationships are poles that can drag each other down and collapse, or, if balanced, synergize and create intimacy that uplifts both areas.
Intimacy comes from the Latin intimus, innermost: giving your innermost self and receiving the other. The polarity between self and other is a spectrum, so as a rule, energy invested in one pole takes from the other. Where the body benefits from a steady bedtime, fasting, and routines, your relationships benefit from parties, dinners, and flexibility.
Body and Relationships will compete for your time and energy. But if balanced, your energy supports your relationships and your bonds support your body. This synergy can only be achieved over time. The better you take care of yourself, the easier it is to relate to others, and vice versa. Intimacy can only be created if both poles are sufficiently developed in isolation.
Initially, if either Body or Relationships develops, energy will be subtracted from the other. The goal is to balance and develop both over time. Only after sustained development can you synergize them. If you do this too soon, the lines will blur and both Body and Relationships will collapse. This creates physical stress, toxic relationships, loneliness, drama, and enmeshment.
When the line between self and other is blurred
Most people lean toward one pole. Some tend their health through self-care and find themselves alone. They wake early, train hard, and eat well, but their relationships grow worse. They care for themselves more than they connect with others. No amount of vitality can replace bonds, so if this imbalance persists too long, more often than not their health eventually falters as well.
Yet, others pour themselves into the people they love and neglect their own self. They say yes to each invitation, every late night, and live from the energy of others. Eventually the body breaks down through exhaustion, illness, or pain. If the polarity is neglected, reality reinforces it through suffering. Without vitality, connections cannot be sustained and will falter.
Both imbalances stem from the belief, habit, or ignorance that one pole matters more than the other. Few manage to invest in both and so one pole burns out. But it doesn't stop there, because when one collapses, it risks dragging the other down with it. Poor health or bad connections will form a toxic marriage, and even if one pole is strong, the weak can tear it down.
You cannot synergize these poles without the prior isolated development. Do this too soon and you'll create toxic relationships, repressed sexuality, and stress. When the line between self and other becomes blurred, you'll get lonely. This is also a form of enmeshment where you merge with someone before either of you is fully developed. It looks like closeness, but there is no real self to meet the other.
How to gain intimacy
To gain intimacy one needs to first isolate the development of Body and Relationships. Whichever is stronger, develop that first and use the surplus for the other pole. Do not risk collapse of one of the poles by neglecting it. A good foundation is when neither pole is falling apart. To achieve this, you must meet the minimum requirements to prevent collapse of either area.
If neither pole is strong yet, develop Body first, for it lies more within your control. If one pole is already strong, use it to lift the other. For example, go to the gym with your friends, or make new friends at the gym. When both are minimally developed, balance is the next task. Learn to trade in both directions. Fast and feast. Let both areas grow and rise higher together.
Once Body and Relationships have grown, it's possible to bring synergy and birth the third element, intimacy. This is deep connection with yourself and with others. The closeness of sharing who you are with another is intimacy. It has no form of its own. It's a quality that can be found in many things, such as sex, nature, and exercise. These activities all carry the possibility of great intimacy or loneliness.
Intimacy is the flourishing of both areas. With a good boundary of the self, you can more easily connect with others. Through amazing connections your self becomes better. Synergy is to dance and merge. This is where the deepest intimacy is found, and it will in turn uplift both areas further. Relationships and Body can only grow whole through one another.
Body, Relationships, and Intimacy
Body
Body covers health, energy, and vitality. It is the vessel through which you experience everything, including the people you love. If developed, Body gives you the energy to connect; if neglected, it leaves you with little left to share.
Body is the pole of the self. Physicality is singular and alone. The more you choose to take care of yourself, the less you'll connect with others. Spending time alone is often a good foundation for better relationships, as long as one invests the time for connection when the phase is right.
Body provides the physicality for intimacy. Touch, shared meals, physical presence, sexuality, singing. Platonic, romantic, and utility-based relationships all require physicality and energy exchange. Through vitality, you can connect more deeply and become more intimate.
Relationships
Relationships cover connection, bonds, and belonging. We evolved in tribes, and so we depend on people and nature. If developed, bonds bring support and joy. When neglected, they leave you alone and isolated.
Relationships is the pole of the other. Connection asks for time, energy, and presence. Self and other are in tension. Through relating to others, you can lose contact with the self. Relating will soften your own borders. This can improve your health, but takes great skill.
Through intimacy, relationships align with who you truly are, so you foster the right connections. Physical health is not isolated from the environment, nor can one create vitality alone. Strong bonds will improve your health and create space for intimacy to arise.
Best books on intimacy
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The Red Queen
— Matt Ridley
Why sex exists and how it shaped us.
The Mastery of Love
— Don Miguel Ruiz
Create intimate connections and balance self and other.
Braiding Sweetgrass
— Robin Wall Kimmerer
Authentic connection and relation with the living world.
The Body Keeps the Score
— Bessel van der Kolk
How trauma is stored in the body and ways to heal.
How to Be a 3% Man
— Corey Wayne
A practical guide to increasing polarity in romance.
Common questions
There are three causes of loneliness. You don't have enough relationships, or your relationships do not match who you really are. Or you don't know yourself at all, and then whatever relationship you do have will not leave you fulfilled. The trick is to first develop boundaries between self and other.
In self-development, it's often easier to start with Body and get fit first, because you have more control over the outcome. However, once you're healthy, it's necessary to invest your surplus energy into your relationships. Sometimes putting others first can be selfish.
Give each its own time. Live healthy 80 percent of the time. Sleep well, eat healthy, exercise, and go outside every day. For the other 20 percent, party, go out, and have fun. If that means having a drink, a late night, and good food, enjoy it, but do so consciously.
It's not enough to take care of yourself. You can be healthy, but if you don't have someone to share it with, something will always feel missing. It does sometimes take patience to find the right people, but as humans, we can't thrive on our own; we need relationships.
Because it requires the development of two areas that are poles of one another, and that takes time, patience, and effort. You may have sex with a thousand people, but it will leave you empty. You must connect from who you truly are, and that requires self and other to be balanced.
