The Five Pillars of Healthy Relationships

Sailing

You are a boat upon the open sea. Through storm and stillness, from darkness to light, you will cross wide waters, and along the way, other boats appear and disappear on the horizon. Some do so for a reason, others might stay for a season, and some travel with you for a lifetime. We share a glimpse of time with every soul we encounter, a small window that can alter the course of our lives. Which boats do we choose to sail beside? Whom do we follow? And with whom will we journey through every turning of the tide?

Essence

Relationships is the social domain of life, which includes the relationships with one’s family, community, and nature. They are the threads that tie you to the world. Nurtured, they bring belonging and joy; neglected, they leave you adrift. Your connections provide meaning, direction, and comradeship. Our intimate relationships significantly influence our character, identity, and, consequently, the course of our lives. To develop this area requires practice, patience, and investment of energy, for there are many variables beyond our control when we are in a relationship. But although relationships can be challenging, a world without our loved ones in it is meaningless, because “Happiness is only real when shared.” ¹

Why It Matters

We are social creatures, bound by each other, and part of a greater collective. Without strong relationships, we wither and lose many of the qualities that inherently make us human. It is through our community, our parents, our friends, our lovers, and nature that we learn, grow, and find out who we are. We are relational creatures, from living in a city with a million people to living on a deserted island surrounded by nature. We want to connect, experience, and belong. The ultimate question of this area is how can we can cultivate deep, meaningful, and happy relationships that help us to live fully?

Experience is always in relationship to something, yet this area covers only our connection to the people, animals, and nature around us. I do not know anyone who’s gone through life without any trials in this area. But in our final years, it is often said that as death approaches, people recall shared moments, friendships, and time with family—and come to value these above all else. And reverse it even if we look to the future and think of the next generations, the children of our children, and beyond. It’s they who inspire us to become better.

The loss of a tribe

We used to live in a tribe of 30 to 150 people and knew everyone by name, story, and role. From dawn to dusk, we were surrounded by the family of the tribe that provided us with belonging, a shared worldview, and continuous social interactions. This way of being we still carry with us in how we perceive and navigate relationships today. Many things have changed; we can walk past a thousand people in a city without sharing a moment of eye contact, on the other hand, we can reach millions online through the phone. Yet, many feel a sense of loss in the Relationship area, and it can be very difficult to navigate such a complex time and maintain healthy bonds with people.

We may wish to go back, but for most of us, a tribe is a memory of a distant past; rejection of one group does not mean exile and death like it used to. We can now choose our tribe, but the importance of relationships hasn’t changed. We have received the gift of seemingly “unlimited” individual freedom in modern times, and with it comes the responsibility to cultivate our social lives as we wish. The challenge is that this individual freedom can often disconnect us from societal rhythms and leave us feeling isolated. Balancing our own interests with those of others is a core activity that this area calls for. The first step in creating any good relationship is to set aside our self-centeredness and to ‘’become interested in other people.’’ ²

Influence & the self

A relationship is the birthing of a third entity that lies between both parties. Relationships always change the parties involved; how greatly is determined by the depth of the interaction. This is why we must choose our close relationships very carefully, because we become the average of the five people we spend the most time with. I’ve always found this a deeply discomforting fact of life, but I’ve found that it proved true every single time—although it’s not about the magic number five. Therefore, their lies a great responsibility to work on yourself, because we have such a great influence over others. And there lies a great act of surrender to commit to any relationship because they make us who we are.

So how does one cultivate a good inner circle, or choose these people? It’s important to first understand ourselves and what it is that we wish to become. If you want to become an entrepreneur, an athlete, or a writer, join a community of them. It’s no coincidence that J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis were in the same writers club called the Inklings.³ And one doesn’t even need to have a happy relationship to influence the other positively, take Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud, who had various disputes and greatly influenced each other’s work⁴, albeit mostly through rejection and tension of each other’s psychological theories.

Core Pillars

These are the five core pillars that make up the Relationship area, yet these are but signposts to point the way to what’s possible. Relationships could range from finding a connection back to nature, healing a family line, getting better at dating, or picking up a pet from a rescue center. But before we go specific, let’s first focus on the basics:

Connection

The heart of connection lies in showing up and sharing experience. It grows through presence, shared time, and moments of play. When attention is given freely, relationships deepen naturally. Connection is always a felt sense and can never be forced. It requires conscious effort to see what fits, sticks, and is appropriate for each situation, group, or person.

Communication

The art of human communication consists of how we speak, listen, and show care. Our body language, tonality, and words all greatly impact how others around us perceive us. Depending on our goals and situation, we can influence our communication style to create more understanding. Our communication ultimately affects the quality of our relationships.

Safety & Trust

Trust is a felt sense that the relationship is stable, reliable, and safe. By showing consistency and congruency between our actions and words, we can increase trust. Safety is a fundamental ground for any relationship to thrive. When people feel safe, they relax and open up. Without safety, connection cannot sustain itself.

Boundaries & Repair

All relationships experience conflict. By stating and acting on healthy limits, we can protect ourselves and our connections with others. It’s not the question of when conflict arises, but how we choose to deal with the conflict that determines the longevity of relationships. Learning how to set boundaries, talk about needs and agreements, and ultimately learn how to forgive helps us create more resilient relationships.

Belonging

Belonging helps us answer the question: ‘Where do I fit?’ It develops through shared identity, mutual care, and participation in something larger than the self. It is essential that we feel we belong somewhere, that we have loved ones that looks out for us, help us stay aligned, and give us space to explore who we are. Even the sense of belonging and feeling a part of nature, which is not as common anymore, falls into this area. To belong means to see and be seen.

Signals of Balance / Imbalance

You determine what good relationships are, and choose how much you invest in any given area. For Relationships it might mean having a family, a few deep friendships, and a community where you belong. For others, it could be creating a nice environment at work and having a romantic relationship you’ve always dreamed of. Having developed your social skills to repair, to influence, to create understanding, you create more harmony for yourself and your relationships. Becoming clear on what you really want is important. Our needs are very basic, and we often need a lot less than we think we need. If you have one friend you can laugh with, one family member that’s there for you, and a partner that loves you, then you’re rich beyond measure.

Some signs of imbalance could include that you feel lonely, not being able to share your emotions with others, or not having the ability to participate in communal activities. In truth, relationships are hard to control, and as stated above, we cannot force a connection. Therefore, the amount of friends, the quality of the relationship with our family, or finding a community that supports us, are not given to everyone. But feeling dragged down by those around us, not being able to share who we truly are, or being unwilling to freely give to others, are some signs of imbalance. What does it mean for you to develop your Relationships, and are you balanced in this area?

Relationship to the Other Life Areas

Relationships is in direct polarity with Body. This means that we need to balance giving energy to others and taking care of ourselves. As a rule of thumb, cultivating this area means withdrawing energy from our Body. This is not meant to be too literal, but think of feasting versus fasting. Feasting would fall into this area, dancing, wine, laughing, all create qualities and experiences to have. Fasting, which is beneficial for your health, lies on the other side of the spectrum. I deeply notice that when I choose to spend time with my loved ones, my investment in my Body must waver. A few examples include choosing to play a card game instead of working out, or having a picnic, in stead of swimming in the lake, or having a beautiful conversation deep into the night in stead of going to bed early.

Besides this polarity Relationship stands in alignment with Heart and Spirit, creating flow in our lives. This means that cultivating heart qualities and spirituality can influence and easily accompany this area, while Mind and Matter do not aid this area much and hinder it easily. This is why Mark Twain wrote: ’’The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.” ⁵ Opening your heart will elevate your connections, because you’ll become more generous and more accepting of the world around you. Developing your Spirit area can also increase the quality of your relationship, because becoming aware of your soul means recognizing the unity between us all. The combination of spirituality and community is also prevalent throughout the globe, which is a sign that these areas are strongly related.

Final thoughts

Our relationships are a fundamental part of being human and is an area that’s often overlooked or developed too intensively. It’s both beautiful yet can be elusive, for it holds the power to shape us deeply and determine our sense of self. Our modern times have greatly influenced human relationships and our connection to nature. By consciously cultivating good relationships, we lift our life, and with it areas like our Heart and Spirit.

Footnotes

1. Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer

2. How to Win Friends and Influence People by* Dale Carnegie

3. The Inklins

4. Freud/Jung Letters by Sigmund Freud (Author), C. G. Jung (Author), William McGuire (Editor), & 2 more.

5. Pudd’nhead Wilson by Mark Twain